T-Minus Two Weeks

It’s quiet.

Too quiet.

Yes, sure, there’s still plenty of discussion going on around Boris, Brexit, breaking up the Union and some general buffoonery, but it is, ultimately, still very quiet.

To be fair, there’s a reason for this – Parliament is currently in recess as our MPs deal with constituency issues and take some much-needed R&R. 

But, in exactly two weeks’ time (yes, on a Tuesday, for some reason), they will return to the House of Commons and all hell will break loose.

We here at Between the Lines have been taking something of a break over the last few weeks, like many political commentators.

Hey, don’t judge. Shit’s gonna get real you guys, and we’ve basically been steeling ourselves to get ready for it.

While most of the current news is mostly hypotheticals, it is worth us taking a moment to talk about one possible outcome of all of this.

An outcome that isn’t even an outcome, but rather an absence of one.

A no-deal Brexit.

No Deal? No Big Deal

It’s worth noting how the language around the possibility of a no-deal Brexit has changed recently.

Upon being elected, BoJo told us that there was a “million to one” chance of it happening. Now, however, it seems as though that’s not entirely true.

Preparations for a no-deal Brexit were immediately vamped up after the blonde barnstormer took the reins at Number 10, sticking Michael Gove in charge.

Presumably this was as payback for Gove stabbing him in the back the last time he ran for leader. If it all goes tits-up I’d wager my left knacker that the buck will be passed firmly to Govey.

Anyhoo, part of the preparations has been a concerted effort to persuade the citizens of the UK that no-deal really wouldn’t be that bad. In fact, it would free us from the £39bn we owe the EU, and let us strike up new trade deals with whoever we wanted!

Sounds peachy, right?

The reality is less sunshine, flowers and rabbits as it is drizzle, weeds and myxomatosis. 

That £39bn isn’t money we’re gifting the EU, it’s money we owe them.

Regardless of leaving the EU, we’ll still want to trade with them (seeing as collectively they’re a powerful enough market to compete with the US and China). 

Sticking two fingers up at them and reneging on our promises wouldn’t be the best start to our bright new future as trading partners. They’d probably impose sanctions on us, for a start.

Mellow Yellow… hammer

And even if that weren’t the case, The Sunday Times managed to get a hold of a report from Operation Yellowhammer, the government’s no-deal Brexit preparations team.

And whoa boy, it’s as about as optimistic as a life expectancy prediction for a binge-drinking, 40-a-day smoker who exclusively eats arsenic.

It is important to point out, before I tell you what it says, that Whitehall sources confirmed that isn’t worse-case-scenario planning, this is planning for something that is basically inevitable.

Ready? Here we go. This is what the report said:

Straight out of the gates, some fresh food supplies will decrease. Bam. Suck on them apples. Oh wait, you can’t, they’re mouldy.

Fuel shortages. Because apparently we’re happy to live in in the dark ages now. And we enjoy making Tesla drivers feel even more bloody smug.

Some medicines will be vulnerable to severe delays. This means, and I cannot emphasise this enough, that people will die. But Farage will be happy, so who cares?

Channel ports and airports will have disruption that could last for months. New checks on visas, imported goods and general changes to the timetabling will take the years of hard planning required to make ports work at all and piss all over them.

Then set fire to them.

Then piss on the ashes.

And, finally, Ireland. Hard borders will likely have to be put in place to ensure that the correct tariffs are placed on goods that travel in and out of the EU, and that will lead to “protests.” 

Or, in other words, it’s actually probable that we’ll see actual fighting kick off again.

And what does the Boris government have to say about all of this?

“It’s merely Project Fear.” 

They say, after admitting the information in the documents is real.

Oh God.

Yep. And look, I could go into more detail about exactly what’s been happening but, really, it’s not important at the moment. Closer to the time, Between the Lines will explain exactly what’s about to happen, but for now, the above is what you need to know.

It’s the direction our government is taking us based on the votes of 180,000 Tory party members’ votes, after all.

“Taking back control,” indeed.

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